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Agent ?'s Unofficial UNWD Rules
Agent ?'s Unofficial UNWD Rules (also known as Things Agent ? Has Put a Stop To) is a list of UNWD rules created by prominent UNWD agent Agent ? in order to keep the UNWD running smoothly, efficiently, and without major friction or disagreement between agents. Most of the rules are humorous or agent-specific. As the title suggests, the list is not official, as the true list of rules is far more general and concise, and is penned by Commissioner Jonah Gordonson. As opposed to the official rules, which focus more on safety, identification and legal matters, these rules are more to do with the community of agents, ensuring that the UNWD is at peak professional performance. There is no major punishment for breaking one of the rules, apart from a slap on the wrist or severe talking-to from Agent ?, and consequences may vary depending on how Agent ? is feeling. The list is constantly being updated by Agent ? (and occasionally others), with rules being removed, edited and added where necessary. The current form of the list can be found on the UNWD Base's bulletin board in the break room. The Rules # Stella is not to be allowed near any new recruits. I don’t care if they’re ‘cute when they’re scared’; showing them their cosmic insignificance is not a prank. # Nobody is to give Sir Catatapuss balls of yarn, squeaky mice, or catnip. He finds it offensive. # Do not turn the NEST’s Autopilot AI on under any circumstance. Autopilot is a jerk and we are not to trust them. Who can forget the Lockdown of ’07? # The alien agents can live without learning about memes. Do not teach them. # Do not try and argue with Stella. # Do not try and argue with Sarky. # Do not try and instigate fights between Stella and Sarky. # Running around Minotro holding a red cape and shaking it while yelling ‘Ole! Ole!’ is considered racist. Don’t do it. One day, he will run at you, and I will not be sympathetic. # Un-tuning Agent 37’s guitar is punishable by trampling. # If you yell ‘FOODFIGHT!’ in the mess hall I will personally come over there and slap you myself. # Do not send Agent 52 into the Unsolvable Maze with a message for ‘the man at the centre’. Last time, it took us 3 days to get him to leave. # Agents generally expected to wear shirts are not to be shirtless for an extended period of time. It's distracting. # Stop submitting unecessary things to Loch & Keye's. I know they're too nice to refuse, but asking them to look after your 'haunted' leftovers to prevent others from taking them is too much. # Screaming ‘MONGOOSE!’ while within earshot of Agent 8 is mean. # Setting up hilariously complex traps to catch Moosa may be funny, but it is unnecessary and rude. # Covering two rubbers in tomato ketchup and saying ‘Oh my god! The Bobs have been shot!’- don’t do it. Not funny. # Grav Guy, when we don’t want to talk to someone, we politely excuse ourselves. We do not slowly lower our armour onto them until they are trapped and then run away. # James Blond, Wingo may be your loyal number 1 fan, but he is not your slave. Just because he’s willing to do anything for you doesn’t mean you should make him. # Blasting ‘Rock Lobster’ around Bodmonbolf may result in serious injury. Just... don’t. # Agent 47, we know you sneak out of your room at night to wrestle crocodiles at the zoo. If you keep it up, we’ll have to strap you to the bed. # While patrolling the jail/holding cells, playing Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak is banned. # You cannot tame the Legshark with a rolled up newspaper. # You cannot tame Flobnomdob with a rolled up newspaper. # Commissioner Gordonson’s moustache is not to be referred to as any of the following; manometer, flames of fur, handlebars, ladytickler, man tickler, the ol' broom, crumbcatcher, Ol' Bulletproof, flavoursaver. # Naomi Rogers is exempt from Rule 24. # I will choose the music playlist for morning callisthenics. No matter how nicely it’s requested, I will not be adding Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda to this playlist. # Flooding, painting, glittering or altering ''the base in any way for the sake of 'aesthetic' is... unrecommended. # Don't make fun of any agent's verbal tics. This includes Mindwipe's lisp. # Don't make up agents to confuse me. Who's Mindwipe? # Stop making 'I'm off to join the Emberizine Guard!' jokes; the Emberizine Guard thinks we're legitimately considering an allegiance and we're ''not ''because clowns are ''weird. # NO pandimensional agent is to be given any strong adhesives under any circumstances. Especially not Stella. You can’t trust pandimensional beings with superglue. # Deliberately mixing up Devil Dog and Twitch was funny for about ten minutes. It became exponentially less funny when they started doing it themselves. # Just because it’s in purple and yellow doesn’t mean it works here. Putting store mannequins, wild animals and the Legshark in UNWD uniform is a silly prank. # ‘Interrogation’ is just a fancy word for asking nicely. We do not torture here. Senior agents are not to spin horror stories about nail-ripping and teeth-pulling to interns and newbies. # Purple Shirt agents are not lesser than numbered agents, expendable, cannon fodder, meat shields, cursed, going to die first, or big nerds. # UNWD stands for ‘UNified World Defense’, and not any of the following: Unified Nasties for World Domination, Utter Ninnies Waving Deathrays, Undignified Nerds Wanting Dames, Uber Nasty Wacky Dramaqueens, Ultra Neat Wise Dudes. # The UNWD is not the ‘Banter Brigade’. # James Blond says - ‘If you hear a Michael Bay movie in the background, knock before you come in’. # No dodging morning callisthenics without a doctor’s note. A note signed by any member of the Cobra family does not count. # Our bodies are finely-tuned pieces of machinery. Junk food consumption is to be kept at a minimum. James, if I see you sneak in a takeaway or hear you utter the words ‘cheeky nandos’ one more time, I will stab you with a stick of celery. # The Bridge is not a tonsil-tennis court. # The NEST is not a tonsil-tennis court. # Please keep all tonsil-tennis within the privacy of the barracks. (This includes you, Jonah.) # Grisha does not have to bless you. Or race you. Or arm-wrestle you. He's spry for his age, but don't wear him out. # Grisha says, stop making jokes about 'wearing him out'. And stop calling him 'Grandpa Grizzly'. # Stop asking Agent 37 to ‘play Wonderwall’, or if he ‘knows any Metallica’. # If Agent 47’s sentence starts with ‘OH MY GOD MATE I HAD THE BEST IDEA’, report immediately with a request for a Level 5 Lockdown of the perimeter. Do not let her escape. # ‘Salt mazes’ are not funny to the molluscan agents. Salt anythings are not funny to the molluscan agents. # Glog Bolg’s deactivated armour is not a halloween costume! It might make a cool one, but no! # This shouldn’t need to be said, but it is not wise to undergo any mission naked. # Saying you’re ‘in the mood for some French cuisine’ around Agent 68 is not funny. # Fox Gordonson is not to be reminded that he is a clone. It upsets him. # All agents working on Project You-Know-What- don’t let Sarky know. # Don’t shake Fizzy Man! # Similarly, do not offer mentos or pop rocks to Fizzy Man. # We all know that urine helps cure jellyfish stings, but Agent 24 is better than that. Please keep all… ‘watersports’... in the privacy of the barracks. # Nobody is to switch the coffee in the coffee machines to decaf. Not even gradually. It may be better for most of us, but Agent 53 says otherwise. # Doctor October will leave your body in their own time. Try to refrain from bleeding, sweating, crying or urinating while they are in your body. It’s awkward for everyone involved. # Cleaning staff- we all know you are excited about electing a head of staff or ‘Trash Monarch’, but if you plan to usurp the Trash Monarch through trash regicide, you will be demoted and put on dish duty for a month. # When Honsnoch brings his weird alien friends to the base, be polite. At least he’s being sociable! # There are to be no risque jokes made about Commissioner Gordonson’s relationship with Naomi Rogers, apart from those made by Rogers herself. # You are not to try and find out the secret weaknesses of other agents. This includes Walter Yang. I don’t care how annoying he is. # The phrase ‘Ayyyyy’ is not to be used around Chaos Master. It upsets him, for some reason. # We do not greet new agents with up-tempo musical numbers. And even if we did, ''I'd sing leading tenor. ''I mean, c'mon, lads, let's be real here. # No tartar sauce around Minotro. He's allergic. ''Really ''allergic. # The following games are not allowed in high-security areas or during times of high emergency: Say uncle, Get Down Mr President!, Judge the Sinner, Super Charades, Weird Charades, Punchies. # Don't ask BR'HM or Minotro about their parentage. # Don't send hurtful or silly messages to the Iraz military. This includes memes. # Health Inspector Sven Lorde should be allowed access to all areas of the base, no matter the security level required or any orders that might counter this. # Never listen to SwagLord, he is NOT the 69th agent, and does NOT have access to any parts of the base. # On that note, if you spot SwagLord (grey suit, stylish beard) do NOT let him talk. Subdue him immediately or he will weasel his way out of there. # Boiling is prohibited in all sectors of the UNWD base. (You can't boil anything anywhere.) # No crying wolf. By this I mean, of course, no crying The Wolf. One day he's really going to come back and I won't believe you when you tell me and we'll end up turning him away and it'll be all your fault so there. # Talking to Isaac Wolffe is not an opportunity to test your lying skills. Interacting with him solely to hone your lying skills is silly, and hurts his feelings. You're not beating the Wolffemeister. # Don't use laser cutters to open jars! # Don't use Grav Guy to open jars! # Y'know what? Just don't open jars! # If Erika and Agent 47 are together in any room, at least one person must act as 'Volume Control'. Erika just keeps getting louder and Agent 47 thinks it's a competition. # No crying Fenrir. What Erika does to you when she stops panicking is your own fault. Category:In universe